


The Kissing Audition

by billhaderthegator



Category: Barry (TV 2018), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Bill Hader - Freeform, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm so sorry Bill, he's hot don't judge me, i need holy water
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:53:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23655667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billhaderthegator/pseuds/billhaderthegator
Summary: An aspiring young actress gets the part on HBO's Barry, but what if she only got it because she kissed her boss for the audition? An what happens if she wasn't really acting? Y'all, I'm sorry, I need holy water, but Bill's hot and I'm bored, so...Have at it.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Original Female Character(s), Bill Hader/You
Comments: 17
Kudos: 78





	1. Getting Ahead

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know these people, this is entirely a work of fiction. If he ever sees this, I'm so sorry. Also, maybe call be some time?

I had an audition.

I was a 24-year-old actress with an unused law degree, working in a fucking deli. I never got auditions. In fact, the last audition I had was 8 months ago for a cereal commercial, with the role of "Girl with dog". Yeah. I didn't get the part.

I guess it wasn't the fact that I had an audition that shocked me, it was the fact that it was for HBO's third season of Barry. You know, the new dark comedy that swept the nation, Barry. Nominated for 17 Emmy's last year, Barry. Award-winning actor, Bill-Fucking-Hader's, Barry. 

But that didn't matter. I wouldn't get the part. I'd show up to the audition, say my lines, act mediocrely, never get called back, and trudge back to the deli where I'd probably work until I died. It was the story of my life, and my hopes weren't high. My hopes were never high. I learned that high hopes were stupid when I turned nine and all I wanted for my birthday was for Daddy to move back home. He didn't. 

The 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 hope that I let myself have was that maybe, just fucking maybe, I would see Bill Hader at my audition and I could die happy. The man was my idol, a writer turned actor, a comedian with a dark side, famous and still humble. I had had a serious crush on him since I was 11 and he was still on SNL. Call it daddy issues, I just called it desperation. The man was fucking hot, and if I could see him, if I could meet him just once in my short, half-fulfilled life, I could be truly satisfied.

And so I went to the audition.

And that's how I ended up on the couch of a dressing room on the set of a hit TV show two months later, with clothes strewn haphazardly across the floor, a man 17 years older than me nestled between my legs, hearing an unexpected rapping on the door.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.


	2. The Auditon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The audition.

The chairs were comfortable. Everything else in the room was tense as hell, but the chairs were comfortable. My leg bobbed restlessly, only adding to the nervous energy surrounding me. Everyone there had to be nervous, I mean, even if you're a professional, auditioning to play Bill Hader's new love interest in his television show had to at least get your blood pumping. Mine was pounding between my ears. I could barely hear over the dead silence of the people around me. And just when I thought I was about to lose it, to have a breakdown, to run out, to give up, a door opened to our right and a young-looking PA stepped out. He looked just as nervous as we did.

He stammered his feet a little before saying, "Uh, hi, um, welcome. Mr. Berg and Mr. Hader are very glad you can come read for us, and uh, I'll call your name when they're ready for you, and uh," His eyes darted around the room before landing on me. He was standing directly next to my chair, and he looked like he was freaking out, so I lightly tapped his knee with the back of my fingers so he would listen to my reassurance.

"Relax, you're doing fine," I said in a low tone, trying not to embarrass him, and he smiled at me gratefully before a tall man with dark hair appeared from behind him in the door frame and loudly announced, "Yeah, Evan, what she said."

The kid turned red, but I probably turned redder when I realized who was talking. Evan cleared his throat so he could look at the man and say "Thank you, Mr. Hader," then he turned back to the group before he announced the first name, "Julia Hughes."

A girl on the far side of the room stood nervously and walked to the door, where Evan retreated inside and Bill-Fucking-Hader stepped aside so she could enter. He looked at me and smiled before heading inside himself, closing the door after him. My insides went to mush. Bill Hader had just noticed me, agreed with me, fucking smiled at me, and my nerves were alleviated instantly before returning tenfold. My heart was probably going a mile a minute at this point, but I still had to get through the audition. I steeled my nerves and took a deep breath. 

I looked around me to see who else was auditioning. No one I recognized from anything, thank God, or else my chances would have been out the window. Most had similar features to me, long, dark hair, average height and build, but of course, there were a few outliers. There was one exceptionally beautiful woman with shoulder-length blonde hair and piercing green eyes, making me self conscious of my deep blue ones. I don't know why I hated her, but I did, instantly, and I scolded myself for judging her before I even knew her name. But the thought of her going in there, reading with Bill, looking better than me, making him smile at her just the same way he did to me, I couldn't help glare daggers at her when she was called in to read. I couldn't stand thinking about anyone else in there, reading lines with him, but that's when I panicked. What if I had to read lines with him? I'd be so nervous that I'd fucking screw the audition.

My foot began tapping at the floor again, and it seemed to move with every tick of the clock. Hours passed, people went in and out of the audition room, the waiting room thinned, but my brain was still running fast. It was only when I realized that there were only two people left in the room that I stopped. I had never been alone in a waiting room at an audition before, and it occurred to me that today might be the first time. This was confirmed when Evan stepped through the door and called the only other girl left waiting into the room.

Jesus, what time was it? I looked up at the clock, which read 5:47. I must have been here for more than four hours, and it was when I realized that that I yawned. I shook my head quickly to snap myself out of it. I needed to prepare myself, I was next. I pushed away all my exhaustion and nerves and hyped myself p. I put on my best "I'm ready" face, determined to make it through this fucking audition. 

A couple of minutes later, Evan stepped through the door and gave me a smile. "Alex?" he asked, and I nodded. "Last one, huh? Don't worry, you'll do great."

I smiled at him and stood up, following him into the audition room. There were two chairs set up in front of an open floor. Next to a small table with scripts on them, and in the chairs sat one very tired looking Alec Berg and one very bored looking Bill Hader. Evan gave me one last smile before going to stand by the door, and I gained the confidence to walk to the open floor and introduce myself. 

"Hi, I'm Alex Moore, I'm auditioning for Rachel. I'm very excited about this opportunity, and I just wanted to say thanks for having me,"

Bill smiled at me before asking, "You're the last one, right?" I chuckled and he looked a little embarrassed, rushing to fix his exasperated statement. "Not to sound unenthusiastic or anything, we're very glad to have you,"

I shook my head. "No, it's fine, yeah I'm the last one. It has been a long day, hasn't it?"

Alec laughed and said, "That it has. Speaking of, Evan, can you grab me some more coffee, please?"

Evan nodded and quickly darted out of the room. Bill chuckled. "Kid's always so nervous. Thanks for helping him out earlier, by the way. What was it, Alex? Did you want any coffee, either, as a sorry for keeping you here so long?" I grinned, "No thanks, it's almost six and I kind of want to sleep tonight."

Alec perked up. "Six?! Shit," he turned to Bill, "Man, I had a meeting upstairs half an hour ago, do you mind finishing up on your own?"

"No, buddy, it's cool, go ahead. I didn't expect these to take this long. I'll finish this one up solo," He turned to me, "if that's cool with you?" My heart rate quickened as he looked into my eyes. "No, yeah, that's totally fine," I breathed out, maybe a little too quickly.

Alec stood and hurriedly gathered his things. "Thanks, Bill, I'll talk to you later. Good luck, Alex." He nearly darted out of the room.

Bill let out a laugh as the door closed behind Alec. "He's a bit of a mess today, but he's a good guy. Anyways, here's the script I'm gonna read through the scene with you, and then you're free to go." My breath caught in my throat, I was gonna have to read with him. Shit. I cleared my throat, "Yeah, sounds good."

He stood and came to stand opposite of me on the open floor. "Rad. Take it from the top, whenever you're ready," He said, before fixing his pretty blue eyes down onto the script.

I gave it a quick read through, pausing when I got to the end of the scene, where a kiss was written in between Barry and Rachel. I shook my head, we'd probably stop before it got to that point anyway, there weren't any lines after it. I cleared my throat again, forcing away my anxiety before I started. I channeled the character, heartbroken, desperate, angry. I spoke as Rachel, "Fuck this. Fuck you, Barry," I turned to walk away, as written in the text. Bill grabbed my arm, forcing me to turn around and face him. 

"Rachel, at least talk to me! What did I do? Is it Sally, did she say something?"

I scoffed in response. "Fucking Sally. Is it always about Sally with you, Barry? She isn't the problem. Or maybe she is, I don't know. The problem is that I wanted you there. I 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥 you there, I always fucking needed you, and you were never fucking there! So I'm done, Barry. I'm done needing you." I turned away again, walking a few steps before he ran in front of me to face me. He was such a good actor, his blue eyes looked truly sad, and it broke my heart just a little. Perfect. I channeled it. "What now, Barry?" I let out, weakly.

He looked into my eyes, and I got lost in his gaze. "You need me?" he asked, sounding as broken as I did. I looked into his eyes a moment, before nodding slowly, as it said in the script. He took a step forward, he was impossibly close now. I let a tear roll down my cheek as he repeated, "You need me." I looked away. He reached for my chin and made me look into his eyes. 

"I need you," I whispered, and then his lips were on mine. Butterflies erupted in my stomach, but I had to stay in character. I was an actor, I couldn't let a stage kiss get the best of me. I reacted as Rachel would, first I hesitated, then I gave in, draping my arms over his shoulders, tangling my fingers into the curls at the nape of his neck. His hands moved to my waist pulling me in, and I felt his tongue against my lip. Completely forgetting about the character, I parted my lips enough for his tongue to mingle with mine. My hands roamed from his neck down to his chest, where I grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled myself even further into him. I moaned. Fuck, that wasn't scripted. Bill didn't seem to mind, he pulled my waist into him again, as if wanting to hear more, but then reality hit him and he quickly pulled away.

"And that's scene," he said nonchalantly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "Thanks for coming in, we'll give you a call if we need to hear more." 

I wiped my face with my sleeves, too, being soaked from both stage tears and our saliva. I cleared my throat. Damnit, how many times was I going to do that? "Thanks for having me, I hope to hear from you," I smiled awkwardly. Fuck, Alex, it was just a kiss. I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. I bumped into Evan, holding coffee, in the doorway, he gave me a once-over and asked if I was okay. "Yeah, fine," I smiled.

Evan smirked knowingly. "Man, Mr. Hader must be some kisser," I shot him a warning glance before smirking back and shouldering my bag. "It was nice meeting you, Evan,"

And with that, I walked out, my lips still tingling from where Bill-Fucking-Hader kissed me.


	3. Trees and Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gathering.

I was on my couch, lazily watching Forensic Files, still thinking of Bill and our kiss a week later when my phone rang. Pathetic, I know. In fact, that was the very word I was thinking as I sighed and answered the unknown number, expecting it to be a telemarketer, and even welcoming that distraction. "Hello?" I answered dejectedly.

"Alex? It's Alec Berg about the Barry audition," I jumped out of my seat, honestly surprised. I thought I had acted well, but I could have sworn I ruined it with that kiss. 

"Alec! Hi! Yeah, it's great to hear from you," I was unable to keep the excitement out of my voice, and I heard Alec chuckle on the other end. "Yeah, you too," he said, not bothering to hide his amusement, "We spent the last week going over the auditions, and we decided we'd love to have you on."

"I got a callback?!" I nearly shrieked. 

He chuckled at me again, "No, Alex, I'm sorry, I should have phrased that better," my heart sank, "You don't need to audition again, you got the part," I did shriek that time.

"No way, you're kidding me!" I hadn't felt this happy in years, I had to be sure I heard him right. I heard his laugh through the speaker.

"Yeah, usually we'd have you come read again but we really saw no point. Bill was adamant that you were the best one for the part, so we played back the tapes and he was right," I felt myself blush at the mention of Bill. "It was great acting, we would love to have you on as Rachel. We'll send you the calendar so you know when we need you, we start filming in about a month."

"Oh, wow, thank you so much, Alec. You won't regret this." I was honestly still in shock. I could almost hear his smile through the phone.

"You're right, we won't. That kiss, man, I almost forgot you guys were acting." I bit back a 'me too' before he continued, "And we're having a quick get together for the cast and crew in about two weeks so that everyone can get acquainted. I'll text you the details."

"Thanks again, Alec, I guess I'll see you in two weeks" I was breathless, it all seemed surreal. "See you then," he said, and the phone clicked.

I looked down at the phone in my hands and let out a deep sigh, before falling back on my couch in a fit of giggles. I got the fucking part! I quickly sat back up, suddenly serious. A cast party in two weeks, that meant Bill would be there. I sighed again, but I had to be professional about this stupid crush.

~

I looked down at my phone to confirm I was at the right place. I turned the engine of my car off and got out before shooting Alec a text that I had arrived. I looked down and smoothed my dress. Alec had set it was a small gathering for the cast and crew, so I wore a simple navy dress with folds in the skirt that fell just above the knee, not wanting to overdress. Now, looking at the beautiful, huge, modern LA house framed wonderfully by the setting sun in front of me, I was worried it wouldn't be enough. But it was too late to change, my phone binged and Alec had responded, 'Great, door's open'.

I made my way up the stone steps and pushed the front door open at Alec's invitation. I hear voices and music coming from around the corner, so I entered the hall and followed the noise. I entered a large, open room filled with people scattered about, talking amongst themselves. I slipped in unnoticed and made my way to the drink counter, pouring myself a glass of white wine, and I heard someone come up behind me. 

"Mind pouring me a glass?" I turned around to see Evan, the PA from auditions. He grinned down at me, and I smiled back before turning around to pour another glass for him. When I handed it to him, he took a sip and grinned again. "So, I'm guessing your call back went as well as your first audition?"

I shot him a mischievous look, hearing the accusatory tone in his voice. "No callback, they said they saw enough in the first audition." Evan looked shocked, "Wow, maybe it's not Mr. Hader who's the good kisser here," He lifted an eyebrow.

I was suddenly concerned. "Do you think that's why I got the part?!" I asked him in a low tone. He giggled. "No, I was just messing with you, Alex. But seriously, if you believed it, it must have been a good kiss." I looked around to see if anyone could hear and leaned it. "Can I tell you something?" 

He smirked an "I-Love-Gossip" smirk before he pulled me into a quieter corner of the room. "Tell me 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨," I started excitedly telling him about the audition, and I swear the guy had ADHD. It took me an hour to get to the good part with his little comments and our giggle fests in between. We had about eight glasses of wine between the two of us before I got to the important part of the story. I paused dramatically. "Then I 𝘮𝘰𝘢𝘯𝘦𝘥!" His jaw dropped. "Noooo! Oh my God, what did he do?" 

"He pulled me closer like he wanted me to do it again!" 

"What I would 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 to fucking kiss Bill Hader like that!" I laughed loudly. "Wait, so then you /are/ gay. I thought so." 

He giggled uncontrollably. "Of course, I'm gay, look at me!" We both laughed into our wine glasses, but I quickly stopped because I remembered what happened next. "But after that, it was like he snapped back into Mister-Hader-Mode, he pulled away and thanked me for coming like nothing had happened."

"Ouch. You know what I think will make that better? More wine." He went to take another sip from his glass, but he splashed a bit on the floor instead. "I think you've had enough," I giggled as I took the glass out of his hand. "I'm such a lightweight," he groaned.

"Yeah, you are," I stated simply before knocking back the glass I had just taken from him. Then I looked back at him, and we both laughed hard enough for tears to form in my eyes. God, we were drunk. Then Alec came up next to us and threw an arm over each of our shoulders. Good, he was drunk too.

"Alex! Evan! I didn't even see you guys come in." I noticed Bill look over at us when he heard Alec's drunken shout. "Hey, I want more beer," Alec said before turning and heading over to the drinks. 

I turned to Evan. "Well, what a pleasant welcome from our new boss." He chuckled, but his expression changed when he looked over my shoulder. He nudged me, and I turned around to see Bill walking towards us.

"Ah, young love!" He bellowed upon seeing us. Was everyone here drunk? "Alex, he's good-looking, isn't he?" Bill winked at me.

Evan responded quickly, "Yeah, my boyfriend thinks so, too," then he shot me a conspiratorial smirk, "I'm gonna go get more wine, does anyone need anything?"

I looked at him pointedly, he knew what he was doing.

"No thanks, I'm good," Bill said, but he didn't take his eyes off me. Evan walked away, and Bill looked over at him before stepping in and whispering to me, "You know the guy you're flirting with is gay, right?"

I laughed before whispering back, "I know, and we weren't flirting." His eyes softened.

"Oh, good," He smiled awkwardly. I giggled shyly and smiled, too.

"Can I show you something?" He asked, suddenly. 

I raised my eyebrows curiously, but I said, "Sure." He grabbed me by the hand and pulled me to a grand staircase. When we reached the top, he pulled me down the hall to a closed room before throwing open the door and marching us inside. I faltered, about to stop him, because being in a bedroom while drunk at a party probably wasn't the best idea, but he didn't even glance at the bed. He walked us to the other side of the room, pushed open a door, and we stepped out onto a beautiful balcony. Bill let go of my hand and walked over to the railing. I followed him, and we both looked out at the view for a few moments in silence. 

Eventually, Bill said, "I like the trees and the stars. You can see city lights from the other side of the house, but I like the trees and the stars." I grinned at that. He was still an Oklahoma boy. 

"I like them, too," I said, and he looked over and smiled at me. I scanned his face. He looked peaceful in the warm Las Angeles breeze, and he looked happy to be here, with me. My eyes went to his lips, and I remembered our kiss. Maybe he was acting, but he was a really good kisser. I wanted to feel that again. I took a step towards him, and I saw his eyes dart down to my lips, too, and he licked his own. 

But then he stepped back and said, "Well, I should probably be heading home, I've had too much to drink. I'll see you in a couple of weeks for shooting." I hid my disappointment with a smile. "Yeah, see you. Get home safe."

"I will, you too," he said, before turning around and heading back into the house.

I looked back out at the trees and the stars for a few minutes before heading inside to get home, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, sorry about this chapter.


	4. Much Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rehearsal.

I groaned and rolled over in my bed, waking to the sound of my phone ringing. My head was killing me, and my sheets even smelled like alcohol. I didn't think I had _that_ much to drink, but apparently, I had. My phone was still ringing, so I grabbed it from the bedside table. Not recognizing the number, I let it go to voicemail. I needed a shower.

I rolled out of bed and made my way to my bathroom. I turned on the shower and let the water run as I began to strip down. The mirror above the sink fogged up, and I was about to step in when I heard my phone ring again. It looked like the same number as before, so I picked up.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hey! Alex, hi, it's Bill. Um, Hader, I mean," He sounded nervous, completely different from last night. Must've been the alcohol.

"Oh, hi! Um, yeah, what can I do for ya, Mr. Hader? Uh, Bill?" I mentally kicked myself for being so awkward, especially when he took a few moments before answering.

"I guess I just wanted to apologize for, I don't know really. I had a lot to drink last night and I don't know if I did or said anything..." He paused for a few seconds to think. Or maybe he was wincing. I brought my hand up to massage my still aching head, remembering I had tried to kiss him again. "I don't really remember much," He finished.

I let out a sigh of relief. His not remembering last night was probably better for me. I crossed an arm over my bare chest self consciously, despite knowing that he couldn't see me, before responding. "Yeah, I don't really remember much either. Certainly not anything for you to apologize for."

I heard him let out a breath. "Oh, good," He said.

There were a few more seconds of silence before I started to say, "So, I should probab-" at the same time as I heard him start to say "I was thinking that-"

We both laughed a little, and I could hear him giggle on the other end. I shook my head stupidly, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"No, no, you first," He insisted. "I was just going to say that I should probably shower and get ready for work."

"Oh, right, yeah. I'll let you do that. I guess I'll see you in a couple of weeks for shooting."

I smiled, remembering that we had a similar exchange the night before. "Yeah, see you." The phone clicked, and I put it down before grinning like an idiot and stepping into the shower. 

~

Two weeks later, I was sitting in my car in the parking lot where we were shooting our first day, and I was having a panic attack. I had arrived a few minutes ago, but I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car. My breaths were shallow and my heart was beating fast. My mind was racing, thinking about how I hadn't seen Bill since I tried to kiss him, about how underqualified I was to be here, about how I would fuck up my first scene and everyone would know that I wasn't supposed to be here at all. 

I was snapped out of my thoughts when a knocking on the window scared the shit out of me. I looked over to see Evan, bent down to look in the window with a look of concern on his face. I saw him mouth, 'You okay?' I motioned for him to come around and get in the car. He walked to the other side and slid into the passenger seat before asking again, "You okay?"

I shook my head frantically, refusing to look at him with tears running down my cheeks.

"Hey, hey, shh, it's okay," He told me while leaning over to rub circles into my back. When I finally calmed down, he stopped and looked at me. "What happened?" 

My words came out fast, strung together sloppily. "I tried to kiss Bill at the party when he took me up to this balcony thing in a bedroom but he stepped away but he called me the next day and he didn't remember so I guess that's good but now I'm going to have to act with him and kiss him again and I don't know if I'm ready for that, not to mention that I gave up a law career to be an actress and instead I'm working in a fucking deli and all of a sudden I'm on Bill-Fucking-Hader's TV show and it just doesn't make any sense and then everyone's gonna be able to see that they made a mistake hiring me because I don't _belong_ here." I took a deep breath when I was finished, worried that I might start to hyperventilate again.

Evan just looked over at me and laughed. I shoved him. "It's not fucking funny, asshole," but before I knew it I was laughing, too. We doubled over, crying laughing in my old, beat-up Toyota Camry. Evan wiped at the corner of his eye before finally responding to me. "I can't believe that you're worried that you don't belong here, because all I've heard around set all day is rumors about how the new girl's so good she didn't even need a callback. And Bill? He's in there smirking like 'Yeah, I know, she's really good, I hired her' God, Alex, that must have been some kiss. I don't blame you for trying again. But relax, he doesn't even remember, you'll be fine. So what's going to happen is we're going to get out of this car, you're going into your first rehearsal, you're going to blow everyone away, and you're going to show Bill-Fucking-Hader two things. One, that you don't need him to kiss you, and two, that he really fucking should have. Because you're a confident bad bitch that knows how to act."

I chuckled and wiped the tears off my face. "Thanks, Evan," I reached over to hug him.

"Any time. Now let's get in there."

We walked into the studio together, and I noticed Alec and Bill talking with a cameraman a short distance away. Alec looked over and gave me a warm smile, inviting me over. I forced myself to smile despite my nerves, and said, "Hey, guys, good to see you."

Alec pulled me in for a hug, much to my surprise, but I returned it, and he said, "Yeah, you too, kiddo." I grinned like an idiot as he pulled away.

Bill gave me a smile and said, "Hey, Alex, what's up?" He put his hands in his pockets.

"I'm really excited to be here," I responded. "What's on the roster for today?"

"I like the energy!" Alec laughed. "We're going to do a quick read-through of the script for episode one and start shooting a few scenes. Oh, and I know it's not in the first episode, but everyone's very eager to see the scene you did with Bill at auditions since we've been raving about it, so we're going to do a quick run of that one, too."

I shoved my nerves down and forced a smile. "Sounds good!"

Bill smiled. "Great, let's head to the table-read."

We were done reading through the script about two hours later. It was a great time, everyone was so nice, and I even made friends with Sarah Goldberg and Anthony Carrigan! Bill cracked jokes the whole time, and we drank coffee. I had gotten my script a few weeks before, but I was still shocked at how many lines I had, and I nailed most of them. It really was a blast, it seemed so surreal that I could be getting paid for this, that this was _work_.

When we finished the table-read, Evan showed me to my dressing room. He pushed the door open and I stepped inside, flopping on the couch. "This is it," he said, "You're not on for a couple more scenes, so you can settle in and read some lines if you want. I'll be on set, and I'll come get you when they need you for anything." He smiled and I thanked him before he closed the door.

I sighed and took in my dressing room. I knew it was a high-budget show, but holy shit. I had my own bathroom with a shower, a wardrobe filled with clothes, a little corner kitchen with shelves of snacks, and a little table for me to sit at and read lines. On the table, there was a paper that had the numbers for all the cast members' dressing rooms and how to contact the PAs if need be. It was insane, my every need was accommodated. I took Evan's advice and settled in, trying to focus on memorizing lines, but my mind quickly wandered to my kissing scene with Bill. I couldn't believe that I had to do that on my first day, in front of everyone, especially after what happened on the balcony. I scolded myself. I was supposed to be an actress, one kiss could not get the best of me. But I closed my eyes remembering the first time. It felt so good to be pressed against him, and when he pulled me in, I had never felt safer. And when he swiped his tongue against my lips, I felt higher than I had in college. I was so fucking screwed.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard a knock at the door. Evan poked his head in. "You're scene's in thirty, but they want to see you in Makeup and Wardrobe now," He stated before quickly heading back to work. I chuckled. He was so professional when he was working.

I made my way to the makeup and wardrobe people, who prettied me up and dressed me in clothes that actually looked like something I would wear: high waisted, light-colored skinny jeans, a pale yellow shirt, a light brown cardigan, and brown flats. It was cute.

Bill was directing that day, so he came to find me for filming. He looked me up and down slowly before turning to the girl who had just changed me. "She looks great, thank you."

I hid my blush as he looked back at me. "Ready for your first scene?" he asked.

"No, not really."

He giggled and said, "Yeah, I never really got used to it either. Relax, you'll do great."

We walked over to set and got to places. In this scene, my character, Rachel, is introduced as a new student to the class by Gene, and he partners her up with Barry for warm-ups. Bill called, "Action."

Henry walked through the door into the classroom as Gene. He announces, "Sorry I'm late, class, I got held up talking to some Spanish friends." D'Arcy's character asks, "You have Spanish friends?", to which Gene responds, "Sure, sure. You know, the lady who cleans my house."

I shot a look over to Bill, knowing he wrote that line. It was funny. Edgy, but funny. I saw him suppress a grin, but he stayed in character. A genuine shocker. I was pulled out of my thoughts when Gene introduces Rachel. "Anway, today we have a new student, she'll be doing her monologue next Thursday. Barry, why don't you join her for warmups?"

Bill looked over at us. "Oh, yeah, sure, Mr. Cousineau. But, you know, Sally's coming in in about twenty minutes and I was thinking that I should probably, you know, wait-"

"Ah, ah, ah, Barry, Sally prioritized her audition over the class, so today, you're going to help our new student feel welcome. Rachel, why don't you go over and work with Barry, huh?"

The scene cuts to the classmates mirroring each other's faces and movements in pairs. I moved my arm to mirror Bills and ask, "So, what's the point of this?" Barry contorts his face and slowly moves his hand from left to right, and I follow, as he says, "To loosen up our bodies and our minds. It'll make us ready for anything." I raised my eyebrows up in amusement, and Bill mimicked me, making us both smile. We looked into each other's eyes, smiling for a few seconds before we're interrupted by his phone pinging. Barry looks down to see a text from Fuches: 'I'm outside. We need to talk.' He mutters "Fuck."

Bill took a step back a yelled, "Cut. Nice job, everyone, take five."

I was pretty happy with how that scene turned out, and the rest of the rehearsal went by similarly. Occasionally, someone would screw up or break character, but everyone laughed it off. It all felt very relaxed until the scenes were over, and all that was left was my kissing scene with Bill.

Everyone gathered around, eager to see what it was that got me hired. Bill pulled me aside before we could start, though. "Hey, uh, I just want to make sure you're cool with this, it being your first day and all, and I um, am sorta starting to remember the party?" He looks at me with a question in his eyes.

Maybe too quickly, I answered, "Oh, yeah, we were just drunk, no big deal. I'm cool with doing the scene, wouldn't wanna let anyone down, you know?"

He smiled. "Yeah, they are pretty excited, huh? Weird. Okay, let's get this one done with."

We made our way over to set, and Bill yelled "Action."

Alec interrupted. "Bill, we're not going to film this time around, so no need to say action, it's just a run-through."

"Oh, okay cool," Bill said. "Why don't we take it from 'Fuck this'?"

Everyone chuckled, but I tried to get into character. I was a ball of nerves. "Fuck this. Fuck you, Barry," I turned to walk away and Bill stops me.

"Rachel, at least talk to me! What did I do? Is it Sally, did she say something?"

I scoff. "Fucking Sally. Is it-"

"Cut!" Bill yells.

Again, Alec interjects. "No camera's rolling, buddy."

"Right. Well, uh, Alex, can I talk to you over here for a sec?" My stomach dropped, but I followed Bill over to a more secluded area.

"The energy's all off. Are you okay?" He asked with a genuine look of concern in his eyes.

I nodded. "Oh, yeah, I guess I'm just a little nervous. It's going to be hard to replicate that first kiss, you know? It was, uh, it was..." my voice trailed off.

"It was acting." He said it like he could hear the desperation in my voice. His tone sounded harsh.

I rushed to answer, but the wrong words came out. "No, I know, but like, on the balcony, it was like...you were gonna...kiss me, too?"

He scoffed. "I was drunk, and there was an intoxicated, pretty girl trying to kiss me. Come on, Alex, don't be naive. Let's just get this scene over with."

I nodded. I had never seen such a hard look in his eyes before. He looked disgusted. I wiped a tear from my eye, hoping he wouldn't notice as we went back to our places.

Back on set, he looked at me as if nothing happened. "Why don't we take it from 'Fucking Sally'?" he said, tone as normal as ever. I swear my heart was slowly breaking.

I scoffed. "Fucking Sally. Is it always about Sally with you, Barry? She isn't the problem. Or maybe she is, I don't know. The problem is that I wanted you there. I _needed_ you there, I always fucking needed you." My voice broke. Fuck, I just had to get through this fucking scene. "So I'm done, Barry. I'm done needing you."

I went to walk away again, but Bill ran in front of me. His eyes were filled with remorse like he knew I was upset over him, and he was really sorry. "What now, Barry?" Tears were running down my face now. I just had to get through that fucking scene!

"You need me?" Bill asked, never breaking his sorrowful gaze. I found myself nodding, forgetting that it was even in the script. "You need me," he whispered. My heart broke into a million little pieces.

"I need you," I whispered back, my voice caught in my throat. And when Bill's lips come crashing down onto mine, it felt real. I cursed myself. He just said he was only acting. But then it felt so real. I reached up and took his face in my hands, pressing my lips back against his. He pulled me into him by my waist, like he did that first time, and he deepened the kiss with his tongue. I took his tongue into my mouth and heard him hum in approval, making me smile into the kiss, despite my tears. Just as we were getting lost in it, the studio erupted in applause. I pulled back, remembering where we were. Bill looked at me and smiled.

"Much better," he said.

And I didn't have time to be confused before we were all told that we could leave for the day.


	5. Goodnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Aliyah...  
> Tit for tat.

After Alec dismissed us, I went back to my dressing room to clean up my running makeup. Between the stage tears and the real ones, I was a mess. I had changed back into my regular clothes and wiped the makeup from my face when I heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," I said, hoping it wasn't Bill. It wasn't.

Alec poked his head in and smiled at me. "Great job out there today, Kiddo. I don't know how you and Bill keep killing the emotion of that scene, but whatever it is, keep it up."

I grinned. Alec was like my real-life-Cousineau, and I loved it. "Thanks, Alec. Same time tomorrow?"

"See you then, Kiddo." He closed the door behind him.

I stood and gathered my things in my purse. I checked my phone and headed towards the door, but when I put my hand on the doorknob, there was another knock. I opened it, expecting to see Alec back, or maybe Evan, but instead, it was Sarah Goldberg. If I was completely honest, she totally intimidated me. She was a great actress, she was beautiful, and she had great chemistry with Bill, something I was insanely jealous of.

She gave me a huge welcoming smile and said, "Hey! Hope I'm not intruding, but that scene was /insane/! Oh, and I was wondering if you wanted to grab drinks? If you're not busy? I'd love to get to know you some more."

I took a second to process this. Sarah Goldberg complimented my acting and invited me for drinks? Hells yes! "Oh, thanks, yeah, sure. Just let me, oh wow, am I underdressed?" She laughed. "I'm going in jeans, so I think you're good. Wanna drive there together?"

~

I took another shot, and as I slammed it down, I groaned. "Much better. What does that even mean?"

Sarah snorted and ordered us another round. "I don't know. I've kissed Bill for the show before, and he is really good. But, he was _into_ it with you. Like, wow!"

"Can I be honest with you?" I asked, reaching for the shot the bartender handed to me.

Sarah knocked back her glass. "If you're going to confess that you're drunk, then I already know."

I giggled at her deadpan face. "No, no, it's just...I think I...like...Bill? I mean as a kid I always had a little crush on him, but now I've met him, and worked with him, and kissed him, and I don't know what it is, but I've always had a thing for guys who tell me they don't want me."

"Amen to that." She ordered us some more tequila. "Look, the thing with Bill is that he's really awkward. Plus, he doesn't really remember how to be single, the divorce wasn't all that long ago. You never know how he really feels, maybe you should just...go for it?"

I laughed. "Yeah, go for it with the famous, sexy actor who got divorced from the love of his life after having three kids, and is 17 years older than me. Sure, that'll go well. Plus, he literally told me he's not interested, so I'm perfectly content with just letting it go. The only thing that bothers me is...well, why would he say 'much better'? Was he just being condescending?"

She was in the middle of drinking her next shot when she gasped. Tequila sputtered out of her mouth. "Omigod, he's totally Cousineauing you!"

"Sarah!" I laughed. "You got tequila all over the bar!" She shrugged.

"Wait, Cousineauing? What do you mean?" Sarah ordered more shots, and the bartender gave her a disapproving look before obliging.

"In season one, Gene would yell at Sally to make her feel upset, and then she would feel that way during her scene and nail the lines. That has to be what Bill's up to. Wait, maybe he really is into you, then!"

I downed my next shot. "Ha. If that's what he's up to, then I've lost interest. Manipulative is so not my type."

"I agree, it's a little messed up. But forget about him. Let's find you a boy for the night." She pulled me to the floor to dance. I giggled and left some money on the bar for the shots.

Sarah and I danced together all night when a cute guy asked me if I wanted to dance with him instead. I was about to decline, but Sarah gave me a wink and told him I was all his. She went to get more to drink.

Blaine, that was the guy's name, we danced together all night. I was drunk out of my mind and making bad decisions. I swayed my ass as he grabbed my hips from behind. I could feel him through his trousers, and he bent his head down to whisper in my ear. "Wanna get out of here?"

I looked around to find Sarah, but I couldn't see her anywhere. I pulled Blaine with me to check for her outside. He made a move to kiss my neck, but I batted him away when I saw Sarah on her knees in the parking lot, throwing up. I rushed over to hold her hair away from her face. "Hey hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I just had a little too much to drink. Don't worry though, I called Bill, he's going to come and pick me up. I'll be fine. You go and get that hot, muscle-bound, sexy beast into a bed."

"Wow, you are drunk. I'm not leaving you. I'll go tell him it's not going to happen tonight. Just breathe a little, and I'll come back and we'll wait for Bill."

I turned and grabbed Blaine, pulling him a few feet away. "Look, I should wait with her. We're both drunk, this was probably going to be a mistake anyway. If you're sober in the morning, give me a call. Bill's going to be here soon, you should head home."

He scoffed. "I dunno who this Bill guy is, but I'm sure he'll take care of your friend. Come on, we were gonna do it anyway." He leaned in and I could smell the scotch on his breath. He whispered, "Come on, just a quickie in my car?"

I laughed at his drunken stupidity. I went to walk away, but he grabbed my arm. "Ow, shit! Blaine, what the fuck?"

I tried to push him away, but he was built solidly. "Come on," He said again, but he wasn't asking this time. He pulled at my arm, and I kept trying to pull away.

"Get off me!" I yelled, but, he struck me across the face. If it weren't for the alcohol, it would have hurt a hell of a lot more. My pulling away was getting weaker as more alcohol was kicking in and I was giving up. Tears started running from my face, and I gave in as he pulled me into him violently.

"Get the fuck off her!" I heard a familiar voice from behind me. Blaine and I both whipped around to face him, and I saw Bill staring at me from a few feet away, looking pissed.

"Look, buddy, this has nothing to do with you. Just walk away."

Bill took a few steps closer to me, and Blaine's grip tightened on my arm. "No, you look, _buddy_. You're going to let her go right fucking now or else I'm going to knock your teeth out."

"Bill," I warned. This guy could totally take him in a fight, and I didn't want to see Bill hurt. He didn't listen. He kept striding towards us. Blaine let go of me and pulled his arm back, ready to pouch. But Bill wasn't drunk, and he moved faster. Bill dodged the blow to the left side of his head and socked Blaine in the nose.

"Fuck!" Blaine stumbled back. Bill shoved him to the ground and got on top of him before delivering more blows straight to his face. I caught my breath.

"Bill!" I yelled. I grabbed his arm and he stopped hitting Blaine, but the look of anger in his eyes didn't fade. He was breathing heavily, and he looked like Barry when he found out that Fuches had gotten Cousineau arrested. I softened my voice, even though my speech was probably still slurred.

"Bill, come on. Leave him alone, he's just some dirtbag. We have to get Sarah home. Come on." I started crying again and that's when Bill calmed down. He stood up and took me into his arms. I sobbed against his chest.

"You okay?" he whispered. I shook my head no. He rubbed circles into my back until my breathing slowed. "Come, on. Sarah's in the car, let's get you guys home." He took my hand and walked me over to his car.

He opened the passenger side door, and I got in. I looked back to see Sarah passed out int he backseat. Bill reached in to buckle the seatbelt for me.

"I can do it myself," I scoffed. He let go of the seatbelt and closed my door. He went around, got in the driver's seat, started the engine, and looked over at me to see if I was ready. I was still struggling to line the clip of the seatbelt up to the holster. Bill chuckled at me and I blushed. He reached over and clicked the belt into place. He looked up at me and smiled. I blushed some more and looked away. He sat back up and started driving.

The ride to Sarah's place was entirely silent, not a word was spoken, and neither of us touched the radio. When he pulled in her driveway, he got out wordlessly and carried her inside, as she was still asleep. I scoffed in jealousy as I watched him take his keyring out of his pocket and opened her door. Of course, he had a key to her house. Of course, she fit so perfectly in his muscled arms. I shook my head. My drunken self could barely comprehend what was happening, I should just forget about it and wait for him to come back.

Five minutes later, he got back in the car and looked over at me. Still, neither of us said anything. My head hurt too much to talk, and I was pretty sure he was embarrassed that I admitted that I liked kissing him at the audition. He looked away and started the car back up.

We had been driving for a few minutes before he said, "I'm sorry." I looked over at him, but his eyes were still on the road. He continued, "I'm not a, a violent person, at all. I've been in one fight in my whole life and I got my ass kicked. But when I saw him," he paused and took a deep breath. He was still focused on the windshield. He continued, "When I saw him touching you, I... I just lost it. Fuck, I'm sorry, it was stupid, I just kept hitting him and hitting him."

I shrugged. "It's okay. If I'm being honest, it was kinda hot." This got him to look over at me.

He shook his head. "You're drunk."

"Maybe," I shrugged again. "Turn left up here, my place the third one on the right."

He pulled into my driveway and turned off the engine. I went to get out, but he stopped me. "Please, just let me walk you in. I have to make sure you're safe." His eyes were soft, so different from at the bar. I nodded, and he came around to open my door. He grabbed my hand and walked me to the door.

"Give me your key, I'll open the door." I found the right one and handed it to him. He pushed it open and I walked inside. He followed after me and closed the door.

I was too drunk and too tired to offer him a drink or say goodnight, so I just flopped onto my couch. He stood awkwardly at the end of the couch and looked down at me as if he was unsure what to say. I ignored him and curled up, ready to sleep. I was on the verge of sleeping when he spoke. His tone was soft, and I didn't move, wanting to hear what he would say.

"I know you're sleeping, I just want to tell you... I guess, tell you I'm sorry. For earlier, at rehearsal. What I said... I don't know, I just wanted to prove to everyone that I didn't just hire you because you were pretty and I really needed you to nail that scene. Fuck, why am I telling you this while you're passed out drunk on the couch? I'm a fucking pussy." He stayed quiet for a moment.

"Goodnight." He said. I felt his lips brush my cheek, and then I heard footsteps and the closing of my front door.

I was too tired to open my eyes and think about everything he had just said.

"Goodnight," I whispered, and let myself fall asleep, remembering how his lips had felt pressed against my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, the essential chapter in every romance story, where the guy comes and saves the drunken maiden from the bar. Hope you enjoyed.


	6. You've Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning...or afternoon, rather, after.

I woke up in my living room with the worst headache of my life. Sun was streaming through my window, and a bit of light escaped through where my curtain met the wall. The light fell directly into my eyes as I sat up on the couch, making my headache far worse. _What happened last night?_ I couldn't remember much. It came to me in pieces. Shots at the bar with Sarah. Talking about Bill and how she said he was Cousineauing me. Dancing. Blaine. Finding Sarah puking. Bill driving me home. There was a lot of fuzziness, and I couldn't help but feel I was forgetting something.

I shook my head at the memories, wishing I hadn't had to interact with Bill while I was in such a drunken state. I briefly wondered what kind of bullshit I must have said to him, but there was no use dwelling on something I couldn't even remember. 

I got to my feet and stretched my arms above my head, feeling a soreness in my left arm. I walked to the bathroom to examine my arm in the mirror. There was a large bruise around my bicep as if someone had grabbed me by it harshly. I knit my eyebrows as I looked at the dark bruise. I couldn't, for the life of me, remember how it had gotten there. I chalked it up to a drunken mishap and turned on the faucet in my shower. I stripped down and allowed the hot water and steam to cleanse me of whatever trouble I might have gotten into the night before. 

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut as I stood under the stream. I willed myself to remember anything that I had forgotten. All that came to mind was Bill's face, anger plaguing his beautiful features. 

And there was something else, too. A small shadow of a memory that I couldn't quite place. I mindlessly reached my hand up to my cheek and smiled, but before I could put my finger on it, the water seemed to wash it away and down the drain

When I stepped out of the shower and dried off, I briefly considered calling Bill to see if he could fill me in on what happened, but I quickly dismissed the idea. I decided it was better to leave that night alone, he and I had already had far too many conversations while drunk for my taste.

I quickly dressed in a comfortable outfit and stole a glance at the clock. 1:57

"Shit," I swore. I had work today. Getting as drunk as we had on a work night was an idea for the history books of moronic events. Thank God it was only a Saturday, weekend rehearsals didn't start until 3. I washed some painkillers down with coffee and spent half an hour debating whether I should risk nausea or go to work on an empty stomach. I settled for the latter and headed to set.

~

I pulled into the parking lot at 2:45 and pulled sunglasses over my eyes to protect my headache from the blinding sun. As I went to open the door, my phone rang. I rustled through my purse, rolling my eyes in annoyance. I pulled out my phone and accepted the call without glancing down at the caller ID. "Hello?"

"Hey, Alex, right?" A deep voice came over the line. It sounded very vaguely familiar.

"Yeah, who's this?"

"It's uh, it's Blaine, from the bar," he answered. "I went back and forth about whether I should call, but you said to call you if I was sober in the morning so...here I am."

I massaged my temple. I didn't remember saying that, I could barely remember him at all. "Oh, right. Look, I'm sorry, but I can barely remember last night," I laughed in a self-deprecating manner.

"Oh," he said. It was an odd response, he almost sounded relieved. "Well, then, did you want to go to dinner tonight? Just to, you know, get to know each other in a less alcohol-driven setting?"

I pondered for a second before answering. "Sure, I get out at 7. Did you want to meet there, or...?"

"I'll pick you up, where do you work?"

"At the filming studio at the end of Sunset."

"Right, you said you were an actress."

I smiled. "See you at 7." I hung up the phone and headed into work.

I still had a small smile on my face when I entered the studio and saw Sarah looking about as hungover as I felt. She grinned sardonically at me before slowly walking over.

"So," she said. "Welcome to Hollywood." I couldn't help but laugh.

"You seem way too chipper for someone who drank as much tequila as you did last night," she remarked begrudgingly.

"I was a bit grumpy this morning, but I sobered up a little when Blaine called me up," I said, throwing her a mischievous glance.

She frowned. "The guy from the bar?" 

I nodded. "Yeah, why?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing, I don't know why, but I just get a weird vibe."

I grinned and rolled my eyes. "I'll be sure to keep an eye on him, Mom."

We both giggled a little but Sarah elbowed me in the side and cocked her head to indicate that someone was coming. Confused, I looked over to see Bill walking towards us, looking nervous. _Fuck_. I forgot he was my boss, and that he just had to pick us up from a bar at ungodly hours of the morning. We were screwed, or at least, I was. Sarah, unlike me, was indispensable.

To my surprise, though, he greeted us with gentle concern instead of anger. "Hey," he spoke softly, his eyes focused on me. "You okay?"

I nodded, wondering why he was directing this at me. He cleared his throat and turned to Sarah. "You?" She smiled appreciatively before saying she was fine, and apologizing for probably waking him up to 'save her drunken ass'.

Bill cracked a grin. "No, I was actually awake. Just, up thinking, you know? I was glad to help. Anyway, I'm assuming you guys feel like shit, so we're having a pretty laid back rehearsal today. Nothing too serious." He gave us one last nod with his lips pursed together and headed over to Wardrobe.

"Fuck," I said.

Sarah turned to me with an amused, confused look. "What?" I gave her a sideways look, and she said, "Ohh, you like him, right. Almost forgot about that. Lots of tequila, and all. But, you know, you got that date or whatever tonight, so just forget about him, right?"

I nodded, not sure if I really believed it.

Bill was right, rehearsal was laid back, it caused minimal pain to my aching head. I was pretty worn out by the end though, I had no idea how I was going to make it through dinner. I was about to call Blaine to reschedule when I heard a knock at my dressing room door.

"Come in!" I looked up, mouth open to say something to Sarah, whom I was sure was at my door. I slowly shut my mouth as I looked up to see Bill awkwardly standing in my doorway instead.

He took a few steps into my room and closed the door behind him. "I think we should talk."

There are things you hope you never hear your boss say. And there are things you hope you never hear someone you are romantically interested in say. 'I think we should talk' falls into both of those categories.

"Okay," I said as I sat down on my couch, motioning for him to join me. He took a seat next to me.

Awkward silence seemed like a constant in the equation of me and Bill. He broke it first, as he said, "So, about last night," He paused for a second before laughing humorlessly. "I don't even know where to begin this conversation."

"I'll start. I can barely remember anything, I was drunk. I'm really grateful that you came to get us, you didn't have to do that, but I was just drunk, so whatever I said, I'm sorry. Let's just put it behind us."

"That's the problem," he said. "I _did_ have to come get you. I-" his voice cracked. "I couldn't leave you there. And I _can't_ put it behind me. But that's not okay, I'm, I'm your boss, okay? You can't be calling me up drunk, we have to keep everything about our..." he tried to find the right word, " _interactions_ professional."

I didn't want to get angry. I really didn't. But I couldn't help myself. "Wow, okay. First of all, _Sarah_ called you. Not me. You would be the _last_ fucking person on my mind to call in that situation and you know why? Because _you're_ the reason that our, our 'interactions' aren't 'professional', Bill. Okay? It was _you_ who hired me without making sure I was right for the job. I don't know what the fuck you were thinking, but from what I hear, your penis was doing the thinking for you on that one. And it was you, _you_ brought me up to that balcony while we drunk at a fucking party. Oh, and you fucking _Cousineaued_ me at rehearsal yesterday? Yeah! You, you manipulated me so that I could be better, so that I could make _you_ look better. I can never tell if what you're saying to me is true when you say it anymore now, Bill. So if there's any reason that our 'interactions' haven't been to your standards, maybe you should ask yourself why before you go pointing your fingers." I was cut off by a ping from my phone. I looked down to see a text from Blaine, telling me he's here. I laughed. "Oh, and that's a guy from the bar last night here to take me to dinner. So I clearly don't need to be taking lessons from you on how to stay professional while you ambush me in my dressing room right before my date. See you tomorrow, _Boss_." I made a move for the door, but Bill leaped to his feet.

"A guy from the bar?" His expression changed. Without another word, he left my dressing room and went storming down the hall with a look of murder on his face. I had to jog to catch up with him. I was a few feet behind him when he stepped outside to see Blaine leaning against his car waiting for me, sporting a black eye.

Upon seeing Bill, Blaine's face fell. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

Bill stopped a few feet short of him, and I came up behind him to see what was going on. Bill spoke. "I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from her." His voice was low, angry. "Don't make me have to put you in your place again." Blaine looked like he was about to test that theory, but he looked over to me and back at Bill. He got into his car, seeming to decide that I wasn't worth it. When he had driven off, Bill turned to face me. 

He took a step closer to me, so he was close enough to have to tilt his head to look down at me. "/Fuck/" he whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut then opened them again like he was having an argument with himself. Then, it seemed he made up his mind. He bent his head to place a small kiss on my cheek, just the slight brush of his lips against my flesh.

And just like that, it all came back to me: Blaine trying to take advantage of me. An unrelenting grip on my arm. Bill with a look of sheer rage in his eyes. Blaine on the ground bloody, Bill on top of him, relentlessly pounding his fists into him. Bill calming down to make sure I was okay. The ride home. The speech he gave while he thought I was asleep. His lips on my cheek.

I looked up to see his blue eyes piercing into mine. He was impossibly close. I found myself answering as Blaine had. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me." 

But I wasn't angry. I was annoyed. Because even after that long speech I had just given about being done with his mixed signals, I had no choice in that moment but to put my arms around his neck and pull him into a kiss.


	7. Nothing's Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the kiss...

I felt Bill smile when our lips connected, and that feeling filled me with so much joy. He wrapped his arms around my torso, hugging me into his body as I stood on my tiptoes to reach his lips. It was different than our stage kisses, these weren't characters, this was us. My hands untangled themselves from the baby curls at the nape of his neck to grip his face where his chin met his neck as I angled my head for better access. It was hot, and it was needy, and it was the best kiss of my life, until I broke away.

He went to reconnect or lips, but I stooped him by bending my head down to look at our feet, standing so close together. "Bill," I said, breathlessly, hesitantly. He got the message and took a step back. I immediately missed his presence. I looked back up to meet his eyes, and he looked at me with confusion. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hands.

I took a deep, shaky breath before starting. "Bill, nothing's changed. Everything we said in there," I motioned toward the studio with my hand, "None of it's changed. You're still my boss, I'm still your employee. I'm still trying to prove that I really belong here, that I didn't screw my way into the cast. And you still manipulated me to prove the same thing." He looked down and shoved his hands in his pockets. My tone couldn't help but soften at the image of him looking so helpless. "Look, I have been waiting for that kiss since I was in the sixth grade. But you know as well as I do that we can't do this. Not now, and certainly not _here_." I laughed, but there was no humor in it as I looked around at the empty studio parking lot around us.

He shuffled his feet before he looked up at me and nodded. "No, yeah, you're right," he answered quickly like he was trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. "You're right. See you later, Alex." He took a few steps backward, still looking at me, before turning over his shoulder and walking away.

He took a hand out of his pocket and rubbed the back of his neck as he walked away, and as he retreated, I muttered under my breath, "Shit." Then I turned around and walked to my car, as well. When I slipped into my car, I slammed the door shut behind me. I slumped against the back of my seat before suddenly sitting up to beat my fist against the steering wheel.

"Shit!" I found myself saying once again, before resting my head on the wheel and letting out a deep, discontent sigh.

~

The image of him walking away, his hand rubbing his neck (something I noticed that he did when he was bothered by something), it was an image that was burned in my head for the rest of the day. I knew that I had caused that sad, defeated retreat, and it was one of the worst things I had felt in years. The pain only multiplied when I recalled how he had smiled into my lips, he had seemed so genuinely happy. And I had been, too. My emotions went through wild ranges in the hours following the event. One second, I was pressing my fingers against my lips, recalling the touch of his, and the next, I was wiping away the tears. And on top of it all, I was angry.

How dare he? He had led me on for weeks, between the party and shooting, and when he finally confessed how he actually felt, I was drunk. But in the end, I couldn't help but blame myself. After all, I had been the one to break away. I had been the one who, despite everything I felt for him, shut it down just when he had started it up. Bill-Fucking-Hader kissed me, not his character kissing my character, it was _Bill_ kissing _me_. And I stopped it. What the fuck was wrong with me? And it was then that I pondered texting him.

I pulled my phone out from my back pocket and selected on the conversation between me and Bill. 'I'm sorry, I really do like you...dinner tomorrow?'

"That's stupid," I said aloud and deleted it. How about, 'Hey...'?

"Fuck it." I deleted it all and dropped my phone into my lap. I reclined back into my couch and remembered how the night before, Bill kissed my cheek while I was laying right there. This thought comforted me, and I drifted off into a much-needed nap.

~

His hands were smooth and rough all at the same time, and I loved the feel of them as they slid under my shirt. His lips were pressed firmly, needily against mine, drawing out noises I had no control over. He slowly backed me into a wall and his lips moved from my mouth to my neck.

"Bill," I whispered, ad he hummed in response. He lifted me by the hips and pinned me against the wall using is own, and I wrapped my legs around him. As he worked at my neck, kissing, sucking, biting, I began to unbutton his shirt.

He pulled away, his breath heavy. "Do you want to take this down the hall?" He asked, his expression sincere, but the want clear in his eyes. I opened my mouth to respond, but I was cut off by the loud ringing of a phone.

~

I woke up with a gasp, frightened by the sudden sound. As I picked up the phone, I thought to myself, _Damnit, I even cock-block myself in my dreams./_

"Hello?" I answered, trying to keep the tired huskiness out of my voice.

I heard a laugh from the other end, and Evan's voice came through the receiver. "Hey, there. Did I wake you?" I grinned.

"Hey, Evan, no, you didn't." I lied. "What's up?" "I just wanted to see if you were up for doing anything tonight. I'm bored." I looked over at my clock to see it was only 9:30.

"Sure, but I don't really feel like going out tonight. Would you want to come over? I promise I have tons of gossip."

"You had me at gossip. I'm on my way." I heard a click, signaling he had ended the call. I shook my head and a slight smile played at my lips. I noticed I was still in my clothes from earlier, so I quickly changed into a pair of sweats and a tee-shirt before pulling my long, dark hair into a messy bun. I turned off the T.V. (Evan probably didn't want to watch murders), and I waited for his arrival.

A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door and I opened it to find Evan in a pair of plaid pajama pants, holding a pint of ice cream. I laughed. He grinned as I stepped aside to let him in. "You sounded like you had a complicated day, so I brought ice cream." I closed the door and he settled on the couch. I grabbed two spoons and wandered back into the living room, handing one to him as he opened the carton and put his feet up on my coffee table

I finally got around to answering him, as I dipped my spoon into the ice cream. "A complicated day it has been," I confirmed, resting my feet up on the table next to him.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" The puppy dog, concerned look in his eyes was too much, and I told him everything. This time, he didn't interrupt every few seconds, instead, he listened intently and rested his hand on mine. I guess I didn't register how much had happened and how complicated it all really was until I started saying it aloud.

"Well, shit," he said when I was finally finished. "What are you going to do now?"

I thought about it for a second before answering. "I don't really know. I guess I'll just pretend like it never happened. I mean, like I said, nothing's really changed." I dug my spoon into the ice cream and took a bite, allowing it to soothe my troubles away.

"That's bullshit," Evan said, his mouth full. "Everything's changed. You can't be manipulated by your boss/crush, almost raped, saved by your boss/crush, hear him admit his feelings to you, be saved by him again, kiss him, and tell me nothing's changed. That just doesn't happen. So, what are you gonna do?"

I sighed, realizing he was right. Everything had changed, but that didn't make any of it less of a confusing trainwreck. "I don't know, Evan. I guess I'll leave that up to him."

He nodded, and I let my head fall on his shoulder. He turned on the T.V., rolled his eyes at Forensic Files, but kept it on anyway, and we fell asleep eating ice cream and listening to Peter Thomas narrate a murder.

~

Sunday was our day off, and Evan and I spent all of it together. I told him he didn't have to stay, but he said, "What? And leave you alone to eat ice cream and cry. Not a chance. Ooh, let's go shopping!"

And so, we did. I forgot all about Bill and Blaine and everything that was on my mind, and I got a really cute outfit: a pair of mom jeans and a blouse that appeared innocent enough, but really accentuated my curves. When I stepped out of the dressing room, Evan smiled and clapped like a little kid who had seen a magic trick. "Wait until Bill-Fucking-Hader sees you in _that_." He smirked.

I rolled my eyes and told him that I certainly wasn't buying it to impress Bill-Fucking-Hader, but when Monday morning rolled around, I showed up to work in my new outfit. I got out of my car and nervously adjusted my new shirt as I stepped into the studio.

I looked over at Bill, but he was mid-conversation with the costume designer. He glanced over at me, and I swear he gave me a once over before returning to his attention back to his conversation.

I felt myself start to blush, but I shook it off and went to make myself a cup of coffee. One of the P.A.'s offered to do it for me, but after befriending Evan, I had a hard time asking them to do anything for me. I grabbed my coffee and headed over to an empty chair. Alec saw me and headed over.

"Hey, Kiddo!" He grinned widely. "So Bill and the costume designer were talking, and they love your outfit. They want to incorporate it into one of the episodes. Sound good to you?"

I faked a smile. Couldn't Bill have told me himself? I don't know why I was annoyed, but I was. "Yeah, sounds great." I saw Bill walk over to the coffee machine. "Hey, I'm going to get another coffee. Talk to you later, Alec."

I made my way over to Bill, realizing I still had a full cup of coffee, and no excuse. Bill didn't look up from pouring sugar into his cup.

"More coffee already?" he asked.

I cleared my throat, unsure of what to say. "I'm, uh, a fast drinker." I mentally facepalmed.

"Well, that guy from the bar would know better than me, wouldn't he?" He quipped, looking over to me.

I couldn't stop the blush of embarrassment from crawling up my neck. I tried to ignore it as I met his eyes nervously. "What's going on here, Bill?" He raised an eyebrow, and I said, "I mean, what happens now?"

He scoffed a little and shook his head. "I don't know what you mean, Alex. It's like you said. Nothing's changed."

He took a sip of his coffee and walked away, and I couldn't help but notice how he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as he did. But that didn't matter, if he was bothered or not.

After all, _no_ _thing's changed._


	8. Cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shooting.

His words repeated in my head as I watched him walk away. They replayed over and over again in my head as he announced that we were doing a table read for episode three today. His mouth was moving, but the only sound that I heard was "Nothing's changed" on repeat.

Evan was right, it was bullshit. Of course, everything had changed, and saying that nothing changed, changed nothing. I still found myself staring at Bill's lips from across the table as he read his lines. He still pretended not to notice with a slight blush on his cheeks. And everyone else maintained, or feigned, their semblance of indifference to the tension between the two of us. I guess, in a sense, nothing had changed after all.

But, fuck, now that I knew what it felt like to be wanted, something I hadn't felt in so long, I didn't know if I could let it go. I stared at him longingly across the table, wondering what I could do to repair the bridges I had burned. Maybe it couldn't be undone, the damage I had caused, but I had to try. I mean, it was Bill.

I contemplated what I could do to make it right, if I even could, all throughout rehearsal. I was so lost in my thoughts, I missed three lines. We were about twenty minutes into the read when I finally realized it was episode three. The episode with Rachel and Barry's kiss.

I'm. Fucked.

~

As soon as the read was over, I rushed to my dressing room to hide my panic. The tears were falling before I even got into the safety of my room. When I finally closed the door behind me, I locked it, turned around, and slid my back down against it. Slumped against the door, I allowed myself to let my guard down, and the anxiety instantaneously kicked into full gear. Shallow breaths escaped my chapped, parted lips. Tears streamed from the eyes I had squeezed shut. I gripped the hair at the top of my head in chunks, and thoughts of absolute panic filled my head.

_How was I supposed to fix things with my tongue down his throat?/ He clearly doesn't want to kiss me after what happened. No, he's a professional, it's not about you, you're being stupid. What if you do something unforgettable and irredeemably embarrassing, like, like, throwing up into his mouth. Oh my God, can that happen? Fuck, now I'm starting to feel nauseous._

I scrambled to my feet, head pounding, and stumbled to the bathroom. I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and waited for the vomit to come up, but it never did. The weight on my chest and the lump in my throat remained, though. I shifted my weight back onto my heels and hung my head for a while before getting back to my feet and leaning over the sink. I ran a hand through my hair, an old nervous habit, and turned on the faucet. I splashed some cold water onto my flushed face, which finally seemed to ground me.

I pulled myself together and walked over to the kitchen area of my dressing room. I pulled a cup out of the cupboard and filled it with water from the tap. I took some Advil to help with my headache and drank the whole glass until I had calmed down. I walked over to my couch and sat down before reclining, rubbing circles into the space between my eyebrows with my thumb. I took deep breaths and relaxed enough to pick up my script and go over my lines.

~

I was pacing around the floor of my dressing room, trying to get the scene with Bill down pat.

"Fuck this- no put more inflection on 'fuck'" I said to myself, marking up my script. "Fu- _fuck_ this. Good. That's good. Okay. _Fuck_ this. _Fuck_ you, Barry. No, no emphasize 'you'. Fuck _you._ Yeah, that's it. _Fuck_ this. Fuck _you_."

"Woah, what'd I ever do to you?" I heard from behind me. I whipped around to see Alec standing in the doorway with a smile on his face.

I laughed, hoping my mental breakdown wasn't written too clearly all over my face. "Hey, Alec. Just going over some lines before the big scene," I chuckled nervously.

He grinned. "I wouldn't stress it too much, kid. You and Bill have great chemistry, you nail that scene every time I see it."

I blushed at both the compliment and the mention of Bill, then cursed myself for it. It was then that Alec noticed the tearstains on my cheeks and the faltering smile on my lips. He furrowed his brows and stepped all the way inside before closing the door. He looked at me, worried, before asking, "Hey, you okay?"

The question somehow made my facade of confidence crumble, and the tears started streaming down again. Alec, looking concerned and uncertain what to do, so he stepped forward and enveloped me in a warm hug. I fell apart in his arms, feeling comforted by his embrace and soft words.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. Just take a breather. That's it. Calm down. Okay. Okay. I got you," he whispered as I sobbed into his shirt. When my breathing slowed and the tears stopped, he pulled back, holding my shoulders, to look me in the eyes. "Alright," he said softly, "What's wrong?"

I looked at him, then down at my feet, debating whether or not I should tell him. I decided against it, knowing that bringing more people into this mess would only complicate things. I just shook my head, not meeting his eyes.

"I think I have a pretty good idea anyways," he sighed.

My eyes darted up to look at him, half panicking that he knew, half doubting that he had even the slightest inkling of what was going on on his set. "It's Bill, isn't it?" His voice was still impossibly soft, like he was scared that raising it my break me in all of my fragility. To be honest, it might've.

My eyebrows jumped up in surprise, and I opened my mouth to answer but decided it was best to neither confirm nor deny. I closed my mouth and looked back down at the ground. He sighed deeply, dropped his hands from my shoulders to rest on his hips, as he stepped back and paced a bit. This was all such a big mess, and it was never my intention to involve Alec, he didn't need this.

After a while, he spoke, "I guess, you guys don't have to film the scene today if you don't want to. We can do it another day, give you some time to sort this all out, whatever the fuck it is. I don't really know, and to be honest, I don't want to. I just want to make sure you're okay."

My jaw clenched and I debated taking him up on his offer to skip the scene today. But I couldn't do that, it would raise questions I didn't feel like answering, and it would just confirm everyone's suspicions that I fucked my way onto the show. I took a deep breath before responding. "Thanks, Alec, but I've got to. I'm okay, or at least, I will be. I'm figuring it all out, but in the meantime, I've just got to get through this scene." I opened my mouth like I had more to say, but I didn't so I clamped it shut, and looked back at him.

"Okay," he said, quietly, "Well then. You're on in twenty, go get changed." He smiled warmly and stepped forward to squeeze my shoulder. "Break a leg, kiddo." He turned around and left the room, closing the door behind him.

_Will do,_ I thought. I wiped the tears from under my eyes, pulled myself together, and walked out, heading to the Costume Department.

~

Twenty minutes later, I had already changed into costume, and we would be filming the scene if a matter of minutes. I sat on a stool and observed a Bill talked excitedly with the cameramen, probably working out a last-minute camera angle. I couldn't help but smile watching him, his eyes it up when he got excited about the cinematography, and he eagerly nodded his head at whatever the guy was saying. God, why was he so cute?

I cursed myself when he looked over at me and caught me staring. He smiled sheepishly and looked at his feet before snapping back into director mode and clapping his hands together. "Alright, let's get started. Louis, you ready?" He turned to the cameraman.

"Yeah, man, whenever you're ready," Louis responded from his place behind camera X.

Bill turned to me and raised a brow, that was my cue to get up. I took a sip from my water bottle, trying to get some moisture in my suddenly dry mouth. All my anxiety came flying back at me, but I forced it down. Just one scene and we were done shooting for the day. I could do this. I stepped forward and came face to face with Bill before the cameras. I swallowed hard, my throat still impossibly dry, and Bill took notice.

"You good?" he asked quietly.

_No, I'm not 'good', jackass._

I forced a smile. "Yeah, fine. Why?"

He looked at me, studying my face for a moment, and then he yelled, "Action!"

I had done this scene a million times, between auditions, rehearsals, and just going over it in my head, and it was still one of the hardest performances of my life. Not because I had to act something difficult, but because as I was looking at Bill, my character angry with him and wanting him all at the same time, I realized it wasn't acting at all. The words were yelled, the tears fell, the feet tried to run away, but they weren't Rachel's. They were mine. It was a real discussion, full of real feelings, written by someone else, and played out in front of a group of people I highly respected. It was complicated, to say the least.

"I need you," I was whispering the lines, truly meaning them, without really thinking about what was supposed to come next until it was time. Bill looked to my lips, then back to my eyes, before running his tongue between his lips. Barry was supposed to kiss Rachel. That's how it was written. That's how we had run the scene every time. But seconds ticked by, and in screen time, those were precious minutes we were losing.

_Fucking pussy's gonna make me do it_ , I realized. He was frozen. He tried to be all nonchalant about this whole thing, but when it finally came time to act, he clammed up. I made a split decision to finish the scene right.

I lightly gripped his jaw with my hands, and his eyes widened. I slowly rose on my tiptoes to reach his lips. I was inching forward impossibly slow, giving him all the time in the world to react, whether it be to man up and play his part, or to shut the whole thing down, but he just stood there, frozen, watching me grown nearer. My lips were millimeters away from his. I tilted my head so our noses wouldn't collide. I closed my eyes.

Our lips met in a slow, sweet moment as I pressed mine to his. This finally seemed to wake him up, and I felt him slowly lift his hands to rest on my hips. I released his lips, shifting my head to the otherwise, and connected them again, demanding more. I needed a reaction out of him. I told myself that I needed it because it would look better for the show. It had nothing to do with my own desire. I was lying.

He seemed to get the picture. He gripped my waist tighter and moved his head for better access, finally taking control of the kiss. He stepped forward, and I was forced to step back. He slowly started to back me against the wall of the set. This wasn't scripted.

The cast and crew, still watching us, were so silent that you could hear a pin drop. Literally. Sarah was so shocked at the events playing before her that the bobby clip she had been putting in her hair fell to the ground, and it made a small, barely audible clatter. But Bill heard it. It brought him back to his right mind, and he pulled away from me abruptly.

When he opened his mouth, I expected to hear him call cut. He didn't. Instead, he improvised a monologue.

You know, as one does, off the top of his head, possibly blowing the whole shot.

"Fuck, I- we can't do this. _I_ can't do this. As much as I want to, we can't, and you know it as well as I do." He was talking to me. About us. I felt like my own words were being spat back at me, on film, in front of our entire crew. "Fuck, I mean, why would you even do that? What about, what about everything? What about Sally? What were you thinking." His eyes softened and he reached forward to tuck a stray hair behind my ear. He quickly recoiled. "I want to. I really want to... Rachel." His voice hesitated there, I knew he caught himself from saying my name. His eyes hardened again. "But we can't. You fucking know we can't. Forget it happened at all. It's what's best for everyone." His eyes darted between my left eye to my right. "Goodbye." He turned to walk away but stopped himself. "See you tomorrow, Rachel." Then he spun on his heel and walked off.

We all watched Bill go, the whole crew, and he walked off set completely, without looking back. We all stared, kind of dumbfounded when we heard the front door to the studio slam behind him as he left. I turned back to face Louis behind the main camera.

"Uh..." I didn't really know what to say. "Cut."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took forever, I've had a lot going on. Enjoy.


End file.
